Your Relationship With Money

Posted on: August 28, 2007

Many of my readers have heard me talk about our relationships with money. Yes, it’s true. You, I, everyone has a relationship with money. We treat it as if it was a person, and frequently we treat it as if it was someone we didn’t like very much. Someone, in fact, that we would rather not be in relationship with at all. The truth is, you are going to be in a relationship with money for the rest of your life. People may come and go, but money will be affecting you, always.

Given that money will always be in your life, you may wish to explore how you are with it. What kind of relationship do you have? If we could ask it, how would money describe your relationship? Would it say you are best friends, or deadly enemies? Would it say you just don’t seem to care?

This relationship with money thing is a big topic. The small piece I want to look at today is how we negotiate in relationships, and how that relates to money.

Let me introduce some vocabulary, and a few of my particular definitions:

Compromise: this is where the two of us negotiate some blend that is part yours and part mine. We both choose and agree to align with the blend we come up with.

Surrender: in this context, surrender is where I let you have it 100% your way. It’s a conscious gift on my part. I willingly say “you know, it’s not important to me, let’s do it your way”, or something like that. Again, I am consciously choosing.

Settle: this is where I give up. I let my desires go, but I’m not really choosing. I feel forced. Forced by circumstances, pressure, belief; it’s not a good feeling to settle. To take what you can get instead of what you want. Settling often has an undercurrent of scarcity thinking.

I work a great deal with my clients about these processes. This settling thing is a major deal. We often give up, give in, take less, and we do it without consciousness. As a coach, I’m always striving for my clients to be more conscious. To make choices, not just go with old habits. I want my clients to notice when they give up, and to especially notice why they did so.

An important thing I notice about choosing not to settle is that it often takes longer to get what you really want. One client was really working on this issue and using her kitchen remodel as a place to explore compromise, surrender and settling. She wanted a kitchen where she didn’t settle. She picked what she wanted. When it came to tiles, she found something she loved, but had to wait for. She chose to wait, and the result is a kitchen she loves. It also reminds her every day that not settling has value.

Sometimes you have to make a choice. Which is the settling thing, and which isn’t? I really wanted to get my revised website up and running by September 1st. That was my desire and goal. Like many things, it seemed like there were maybe 10 steps and it turned out that there are more like 30 steps. So where do I compromise, surrender, and/or settle?

The place I’m choosing to focus on is my values, on what seems the most important to me. It’s more important to me that the website revision be a product I really like, than that it be expedient. After all, I have a functional website. It feels a bit like those stories about doing things in series. You know, like before you can eat lunch you have to catch the fish, and before you can catch the fish you have to make a pole, and before you make a pole….you get the picture.

There are some other values that I am honoring in the process too. I know that I have certain talents. Other people do some things better than I do…like edit text or design websites. When working with others, I need to honor their time frames and processes in order to get work they haven’t “settled” on.

So here we are. The website won’t be done by September 1st. But when it is done, it will be mostly what I want. There will be some compromises, and even a few surrenders, but few, if any, settles.

Okay, now that we’ve explored those ideas, let’s bring this back to money. Where do we settle around money? For me, I settle when I buy something that is on sale, but that I don’t love or truly want. I act out of scarcity, as if I can’t wait and have what I truly want. Where do I compromise? I compromise when I decide to buy something that isn’t everything I want, but is mostly what I want. And in my case, it’s usually that the additional features don’t justify the additional expense. I’d rather use that extra money for something else. Where do I surrender around money? Hmmm. I surrender when I agree with my saddle pal to buy something he sees value in, that doesn’t have value for me. It’s a gift from my heart.

What seems important here is to remain conscious of what you are doing with your money. How are you choosing to operate? Are you conscious of where it goes? Are you two hanging out together? Or do you and your money hardly ever speak? Remember, it’s a long term relationship and long term relationships do better when they enhance, rather than reduce, communication.

Shell Tain of Sensible Coaching is a money coach. She works with people, helping them change their habits and beliefs surrounding money, and guiding them towards plenty and prosperity. Shell believes we can all enjoy bigger and fuller lives. She takes you from the crunch to the ka-ching! Shell’s clients range in income, professions, and lifestyles; she successfully coaches individuals, budding entrepreneurs (more than a quarter of her clients are in real estate and mortgage related fields), couples, small groups, corporate teams. Call or email her to schedule a free, sample session; you can also sign-up to join her monthly teleclass.